I've been thinking a lot about this post.
Those of you who know me well, know that this topic has not always been an easy one for me. I find it ironic that I'm revisiting this topic while once again pregnant. I am pleased to inform all of you that actually read this, that this time things aren't quite the same.
A family member found a sibling of my biological father on Facebook and the long and short of it is: I decided to email him. And you know what? I am happy to be able to say that not everyone in that side of my family is either unwilling or afraid to not only acknowledge me but actually TALK to me! And by talk... I mean actually talk to me, about everything the serious elephant in the room (who gets smaller every time we talk- to me at least) to mundane things like how the Wii Fit game is incredibly rude ;).
I think that both of us are still trying to figure out these new found roles but in all honesty, that's perfectly okay. In a perfect world, I would have grown up knowing him as my Uncle and he would have watched me grow up. But we all know that the world is far from perfect. So at this point in both our lives (ironically we are both at the start of new chapters aside from the one we are figuring out together) we will hopefully continue to go forward and learn and enjoy getting to know each other.
In the conversations I have had with my Uncle, I found that I really did want to know that side of my family. I did not use to think of anyone from that side as family. They where just people that I am genetically related to (okay and in a few cases that may be true still) but now. Now I know that not everyone is hiding from something or someone and is willing to actually be my family. And I am very grateful for that!
I hope that in the new year, every single person who reads this, takes something that seems challenging to them, and just does it.
Do it with your heart wide open. I think you might be surprised at the end, if not with the result at least with yourself.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
January 09, 2010
June 13, 2009
Hopes, Dreams and other Crazy Things
Yesterday watching my son get into things that I rather wish he wouldn't (you know like playing with all things off limits- like the toliet - instead of his ever growing and overflowing toy box) I realized that I can see him as a young little boy. He IS a young little boy you say - but the young little boy I see is maybe 3 or 4, old enough to ask embarasing questions and not be able to fully understand why he has to wait till he's "older" to have them answered. That kind of young. Like "where do babies come from?" kind of question young where we hope that the answer "From Mommy's tummy" will sufice.
I see a little boy who barrels into a room demanding to have a blanket/towel/sheet tied to his neck in "Super Man" fashion and then disappears from the room, only to reappear wearing a colander on his head, chasing the dogs and yelling "CHARGE!!" and carrying some sort of a sword. My mother and my mother-in-law both tell me these are and will be normal little boy behaviors. A part of me can't wait to see it. That is a very small part of me. In almost a month my baby will no longer be a baby but a full fledged toddler.
In a way, these past almost eleven months seem like a dream. A dream because they have gone by so fast and because Chris hasn't gotten to see it all up front and personal. I realized as I was writting this, that if there was a part of Junior's life I would choose to have Chris miss, sadly this part seems to be the part. Not because I have gotten to have all the "baby" stuff to myself but because I see this ride called parenthood entering a new stage, a very fun stage that is perfect for daddies as little guys curiousity goes and personalities are developing. One where the interaction between father and son will set the tone of their relationship if not the foundation of it for the rest of their lives. Every boy needs a man who is willing to be Dad when they need it, and Daddy when they need him as his best friend and playmate the rest of the time. I am looking forward to watching this relationship develop and grow. :)
I see a little boy who barrels into a room demanding to have a blanket/towel/sheet tied to his neck in "Super Man" fashion and then disappears from the room, only to reappear wearing a colander on his head, chasing the dogs and yelling "CHARGE!!" and carrying some sort of a sword. My mother and my mother-in-law both tell me these are and will be normal little boy behaviors. A part of me can't wait to see it. That is a very small part of me. In almost a month my baby will no longer be a baby but a full fledged toddler.
In a way, these past almost eleven months seem like a dream. A dream because they have gone by so fast and because Chris hasn't gotten to see it all up front and personal. I realized as I was writting this, that if there was a part of Junior's life I would choose to have Chris miss, sadly this part seems to be the part. Not because I have gotten to have all the "baby" stuff to myself but because I see this ride called parenthood entering a new stage, a very fun stage that is perfect for daddies as little guys curiousity goes and personalities are developing. One where the interaction between father and son will set the tone of their relationship if not the foundation of it for the rest of their lives. Every boy needs a man who is willing to be Dad when they need it, and Daddy when they need him as his best friend and playmate the rest of the time. I am looking forward to watching this relationship develop and grow. :)
February 10, 2009
Your off and Away!
The video blog I finished should be up soon. I was gone all day today so I didn't get a chance to put it up and now I'm just too darn tired.
I started to type this post because I just read a blog on a friend's myspace blog that got me thinking. They are in the military also, however Chris and I have known them (well him anyway) since High School. The three of us went to the same school, Chris and our friend where in the same class. They are (or should be if I remember right) getting ready to go to their next duty station overseas and my friend was looking back at all of the memories from his first duty station.
As I told him, life (and home) isn't just where the military sends you, it's all the places you've been too. Dr. Seuss couldn't have put it any better...
"You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left." - Oh The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss
Those strange birds you'll get mixed up with - they will cross your path agian at some point, you just have to make sure they don't come in for a crash landing ;).
I started to type this post because I just read a blog on a friend's myspace blog that got me thinking. They are in the military also, however Chris and I have known them (well him anyway) since High School. The three of us went to the same school, Chris and our friend where in the same class. They are (or should be if I remember right) getting ready to go to their next duty station overseas and my friend was looking back at all of the memories from his first duty station.
As I told him, life (and home) isn't just where the military sends you, it's all the places you've been too. Dr. Seuss couldn't have put it any better...
"You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left." - Oh The Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss
Those strange birds you'll get mixed up with - they will cross your path agian at some point, you just have to make sure they don't come in for a crash landing ;).
November 25, 2008
BiPolar Denial...
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I'm sad I'm moving away from friends.
I'm happy I'm moving home... but my best (and most entertaining friend) is moving in February.
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I hate packing. (Unless the movers do it - which I don't get this time)
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I don't want to pack. (and lately have found every reason NOT to)
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I'll miss my stuff.
I'm happy I'm moving home... but my best (and most entertaining friend) is moving in February.
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I hate packing. (Unless the movers do it - which I don't get this time)
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I don't want to pack. (and lately have found every reason NOT to)
I'm happy I'm moving home... but I'll miss my stuff.
June 21, 2008
Mother of the Year - What a Crock
I read a blog post earlier this morning that has been weighing heavy on my heart. Granted I'm not *quite* a mom yet, but even so I am a little disheartened by my friends posts.
My disheartened feeling is not by what she felt in terms of the feelings she conveyed in her post, but more by the fact that women are programed to compare themselves to other women regardless of what the topic is. The way we dress, the choices we make, the careers we choose, the schools we put our children in, the way we dress our children or raise them, the list goes on and on. All of these things we are programed to compare what we feel is right to what is being hailed as the social "norm" in the media or by the so called professionals.
How are we supposed to compare our lives to that of someone like Angelina Jolie, J Lo or Madonna? All these women have a seemingly endless supply of money and resources at their disposal that most of us do not. Yet they are hailed as the "best mothers". June Cleaver even still holds stock in what a "Mother of the Year" should be - only now she also works a full time job. None of these so called role models are right for everyone - nor do they apply to what some people deal with, handling obstacles that they did not ask for but where handed when the cards where dealt. (And they may vent their frustrations - but they do not complain about the hand they where given in the sense that they wish it wasn't given to them because truth be told, they wouldn't change those obstacles or "something mores".)
My friend's blog post that prompted this one, was about being "No Mother of the Year". This woman has and is facing insurmountable odds yet she feels like a failure. As far as I can tell, she is anything but. She deals with putting the needs of her 3 children first - before her own and her husbands. And sometimes (more often than not at the moment) she has to choose which of her children's needs to but before the other 2. No mother likes to do things like this, nor do they take this challenge willingly. But they do what they need to do, to make sure that at that moment in their child's life they thrive. She has been giving everything she can, and then some, to make sure her children get everything they need to have the best possible life that SHE can provide. Yet she still feels like a failure.
Society condemns people who have a child with a special need, or a phrase I like better - "something more", if they choose to have more children because it is like they are trying to make up for a mistake. This couldn't be farther from the truth, they are attempting to provide that child with the same things that they were given as a child - a family. The complete family experience, including siblings.
My friend is by in no way a failure. She is a strong and courageous woman who takes things on the chin, and attempts to keep moving forward despite the weight of the crud being thrown her way. No one, not you - not me - not the so called "professionals" can say she is doing something wrong. She is standing up for her children doing everything she can, the best way that she can and she is giving ALL that she can (and more) for all 3 of her boys - because they mean the world to her. In my book - that so called "Mother of the Year" crap is just that. However if I had to pick one person to wear the crown - she would have worn it for the past eight years, and every year from here on out. I only hope that as a new mom - despite facing the unknown of motherhood that I can only follow her example of selflessness and dedicate everything to raising my kids the best way I can.
If you would like to read this wonderful, couragous woman's blog - I suggest reading the whole thing (it's been around a while) but you can find her here:Cheerio Confessions
My disheartened feeling is not by what she felt in terms of the feelings she conveyed in her post, but more by the fact that women are programed to compare themselves to other women regardless of what the topic is. The way we dress, the choices we make, the careers we choose, the schools we put our children in, the way we dress our children or raise them, the list goes on and on. All of these things we are programed to compare what we feel is right to what is being hailed as the social "norm" in the media or by the so called professionals.
How are we supposed to compare our lives to that of someone like Angelina Jolie, J Lo or Madonna? All these women have a seemingly endless supply of money and resources at their disposal that most of us do not. Yet they are hailed as the "best mothers". June Cleaver even still holds stock in what a "Mother of the Year" should be - only now she also works a full time job. None of these so called role models are right for everyone - nor do they apply to what some people deal with, handling obstacles that they did not ask for but where handed when the cards where dealt. (And they may vent their frustrations - but they do not complain about the hand they where given in the sense that they wish it wasn't given to them because truth be told, they wouldn't change those obstacles or "something mores".)
My friend's blog post that prompted this one, was about being "No Mother of the Year". This woman has and is facing insurmountable odds yet she feels like a failure. As far as I can tell, she is anything but. She deals with putting the needs of her 3 children first - before her own and her husbands. And sometimes (more often than not at the moment) she has to choose which of her children's needs to but before the other 2. No mother likes to do things like this, nor do they take this challenge willingly. But they do what they need to do, to make sure that at that moment in their child's life they thrive. She has been giving everything she can, and then some, to make sure her children get everything they need to have the best possible life that SHE can provide. Yet she still feels like a failure.
Society condemns people who have a child with a special need, or a phrase I like better - "something more", if they choose to have more children because it is like they are trying to make up for a mistake. This couldn't be farther from the truth, they are attempting to provide that child with the same things that they were given as a child - a family. The complete family experience, including siblings.
My friend is by in no way a failure. She is a strong and courageous woman who takes things on the chin, and attempts to keep moving forward despite the weight of the crud being thrown her way. No one, not you - not me - not the so called "professionals" can say she is doing something wrong. She is standing up for her children doing everything she can, the best way that she can and she is giving ALL that she can (and more) for all 3 of her boys - because they mean the world to her. In my book - that so called "Mother of the Year" crap is just that. However if I had to pick one person to wear the crown - she would have worn it for the past eight years, and every year from here on out. I only hope that as a new mom - despite facing the unknown of motherhood that I can only follow her example of selflessness and dedicate everything to raising my kids the best way I can.
If you would like to read this wonderful, couragous woman's blog - I suggest reading the whole thing (it's been around a while) but you can find her here:Cheerio Confessions
May 09, 2008
Things
First Things First
I just got my results for the Glucose "put me through hell" test. (it also caused a lovely case of what I thought was heartburn but turned out to be reflux for the rest of the day!) I passed with a 127. However, I am now anemic. The nurse at Dr. G's office that I LOVE said that they expect it at this point in the pregnancy however I'm a little lower then they are use to. So I get to take a pill every day now. OH the joy of it!
On the Anemia Thing
I went to pick up samples at Dr G's office but he and my *fave* nurse where already at lunch so I had to deal with thewitchy rude CNA in the office who I can't stand . She said that they want me to talk to a dietition to see if I can improve my numbers with what I'm eating and also to take a suppliment. I also wanted to ask if the anemia, dizziness and tiredness where all connected but certianly wasn't asking her. So I'll be asking Dr. G at my next appointment. However according to Webmd they are all related. So hopefully once we get this under control I'll feel better, and the periodic case of the spins will go away.
On the Radio
So with the new car, I got xm radio free for 3 months. Because I'm cheap I probably won't keep the subscription but you can bet I am going to use it while I can. But anyways that isn't what I wanted to talk about. While running up to Dr. G's I was flipping through stations, and came across the Oprah & Friends channel. Meet the Peetes was on. I did not know that they had a son with autism. I didn't hear much about their son but they had a lady on today that her son is now 18 and they didn't get a correct diagnosis for him till around the age of 10. I was very inspired to hear both Holly and Rodney applaud this woman for standing up for her son and not accepting what the "only option" was at the time. I also applaud them for standing up and speaking about this issue when so many people just don't understand and want to spend so much time blaming one thing or another (vaccines, genetics, enviroment, ect).
I also wanted to applaud Holly's view on breast feeding. Her personal stance, per the show today, was that if she is out in public feeding her child and you have an issue with it you better walk away. I plan to breast feed Junior because it's the healthiest thing for him and I want to give him the best chances at everything I can. And I am glad that there is someone who is in the public eye, as Holly is, who is very candid in her feelings about this topic. And isn't afraid to advocate the benefits for the child, and doesn't accept the "I don't want saggy boobs" defense!
I just got my results for the Glucose "put me through hell" test. (it also caused a lovely case of what I thought was heartburn but turned out to be reflux for the rest of the day!) I passed with a 127. However, I am now anemic. The nurse at Dr. G's office that I LOVE said that they expect it at this point in the pregnancy however I'm a little lower then they are use to. So I get to take a pill every day now. OH the joy of it!
On the Anemia Thing
I went to pick up samples at Dr G's office but he and my *fave* nurse where already at lunch so I had to deal with the
On the Radio
So with the new car, I got xm radio free for 3 months. Because I'm cheap I probably won't keep the subscription but you can bet I am going to use it while I can. But anyways that isn't what I wanted to talk about. While running up to Dr. G's I was flipping through stations, and came across the Oprah & Friends channel. Meet the Peetes was on. I did not know that they had a son with autism. I didn't hear much about their son but they had a lady on today that her son is now 18 and they didn't get a correct diagnosis for him till around the age of 10. I was very inspired to hear both Holly and Rodney applaud this woman for standing up for her son and not accepting what the "only option" was at the time. I also applaud them for standing up and speaking about this issue when so many people just don't understand and want to spend so much time blaming one thing or another (vaccines, genetics, enviroment, ect).
I also wanted to applaud Holly's view on breast feeding. Her personal stance, per the show today, was that if she is out in public feeding her child and you have an issue with it you better walk away. I plan to breast feed Junior because it's the healthiest thing for him and I want to give him the best chances at everything I can. And I am glad that there is someone who is in the public eye, as Holly is, who is very candid in her feelings about this topic. And isn't afraid to advocate the benefits for the child, and doesn't accept the "I don't want saggy boobs" defense!
March 29, 2008
Say
Some of you know about my biological father. Most probably don’t.
He denied that I was his child when my mom told him she was pregnant with me. He denied that I was his when she took me to see him after I was born. My mom married my stepfather, and they decided my stepfather should adopt me. (my feelings on this are another blog entirely.) So they took bio-father to court for his parental rights. Still he denied who I was until his attorney told him to either fork over the money for a paternity test, or just sign the darn paper. My mom told him then (I was like 2 1/2 at the time) that I would know who he was and she wouldn’t stop me if I ever tried to find him.
A year and three months ago, I did. Well when I was younger and going through therapy, I wrote him letters and sent them. I never heard anything back. But that fateful trip to meet him was because of several things – most of which I’m not going to get into. However, I was tired of being mad – okay not mad per say, pissed off is a better term – at him. I felt abandoned, I felt that he allowed the things that transpired to happen. That those things where HIS fault because he didn’t get involved. After much soul searching and dropping my mom off at work, and before my husband flew out to LA to join me for our Christmas vacation, I drove down to San Clemente and found the place where he works. (It is the same place he’s worked since before I was born)
I walked in and asked for him. We stepped outside and I introduced myself. He wasn’t surprised and didn’t seem mad that I was there. I told him I wasn’t looking for a dad, and still don’t think that I am. I was looking for closure – to hear his side of the story, to offer the chance to get to know me now if he wanted to take it. He was very clear in saying he couldn’t promise anything, but did want my address and phone numbers (perhaps to block them?) so I felt that I left there with things open. My mom wasn’t happy about me going to see him, but she felt he deserved what ever he got from me (in terms of anger). Meeting him was about 9 months after I had miscarried. I left what felt like a huge weight sitting at his feet when I left his work – it wasn’t mine anymore and that’s all that mattered to me! (not that some sort of relationship wouldn’t be nice to have, but he obviously can’t or doesn’t have it to give)
Then I got pregnant with Jr. Call it hormones, pregnancy insanity what ever but I felt he deserved to know that there was going to be another branch to his family tree. I’m not mad at him anymore and it’s not like I wanted him to know out of spite. (And if he wasn’t some type of father, he wouldn’t have asked how my husband treats me and straight out asked if he had ever hit me, right?) I wanted him to know, and have wanted him to know since I got passed what I call the point of no return (the point I miscarried at). But didn’t know how to tell him. A letter seemed so impersonal. A phone call wasn’t any better. It’s not like I can just drive over to his work again – he’s in southern CA and here I am in South Texas. My impulsive side got the best of me. I called his work.
He answered – and I told him. I just thought he should know about him becoming a grandpa. The response I got, “Thanks for letting me know. I hope everything goes well for you.” Typical response, or non-response.
This is one of those things I just had to say – to him – to make me feel better about it. I guess a small piece of me had hoped it would strike a nerve with him, perhaps it did. Most likely it didn’t.
At any rate – no more fighting with the shadows anymore. I’ve said what I needed to say.
“Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open” – and I did it.
Lyrics - Say by John Mayer
He denied that I was his child when my mom told him she was pregnant with me. He denied that I was his when she took me to see him after I was born. My mom married my stepfather, and they decided my stepfather should adopt me. (my feelings on this are another blog entirely.) So they took bio-father to court for his parental rights. Still he denied who I was until his attorney told him to either fork over the money for a paternity test, or just sign the darn paper. My mom told him then (I was like 2 1/2 at the time) that I would know who he was and she wouldn’t stop me if I ever tried to find him.
A year and three months ago, I did. Well when I was younger and going through therapy, I wrote him letters and sent them. I never heard anything back. But that fateful trip to meet him was because of several things – most of which I’m not going to get into. However, I was tired of being mad – okay not mad per say, pissed off is a better term – at him. I felt abandoned, I felt that he allowed the things that transpired to happen. That those things where HIS fault because he didn’t get involved. After much soul searching and dropping my mom off at work, and before my husband flew out to LA to join me for our Christmas vacation, I drove down to San Clemente and found the place where he works. (It is the same place he’s worked since before I was born)
I walked in and asked for him. We stepped outside and I introduced myself. He wasn’t surprised and didn’t seem mad that I was there. I told him I wasn’t looking for a dad, and still don’t think that I am. I was looking for closure – to hear his side of the story, to offer the chance to get to know me now if he wanted to take it. He was very clear in saying he couldn’t promise anything, but did want my address and phone numbers (perhaps to block them?) so I felt that I left there with things open. My mom wasn’t happy about me going to see him, but she felt he deserved what ever he got from me (in terms of anger). Meeting him was about 9 months after I had miscarried. I left what felt like a huge weight sitting at his feet when I left his work – it wasn’t mine anymore and that’s all that mattered to me! (not that some sort of relationship wouldn’t be nice to have, but he obviously can’t or doesn’t have it to give)
Then I got pregnant with Jr. Call it hormones, pregnancy insanity what ever but I felt he deserved to know that there was going to be another branch to his family tree. I’m not mad at him anymore and it’s not like I wanted him to know out of spite. (And if he wasn’t some type of father, he wouldn’t have asked how my husband treats me and straight out asked if he had ever hit me, right?) I wanted him to know, and have wanted him to know since I got passed what I call the point of no return (the point I miscarried at). But didn’t know how to tell him. A letter seemed so impersonal. A phone call wasn’t any better. It’s not like I can just drive over to his work again – he’s in southern CA and here I am in South Texas. My impulsive side got the best of me. I called his work.
He answered – and I told him. I just thought he should know about him becoming a grandpa. The response I got, “Thanks for letting me know. I hope everything goes well for you.” Typical response, or non-response.
This is one of those things I just had to say – to him – to make me feel better about it. I guess a small piece of me had hoped it would strike a nerve with him, perhaps it did. Most likely it didn’t.
At any rate – no more fighting with the shadows anymore. I’ve said what I needed to say.
“Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open” – and I did it.
Lyrics - Say by John Mayer
February 14, 2008
Hormones, Holidays and Me
WTH?!
Why is it suddenly funny because I'm "grumpy"? Okay maybe this hormones speaking - but I woke up in a crappy mood. I did not want to get out of bed this morning, period. But I did. I went to my morning class and somehow managed to be entertained by my microbiology prof (who used toliet paper to demonstrate glycolysis - it was very involved and pretty funny). After which I came home to try and take a nap. I can't sleep during the day - but laying in bed for a couple hours tends to make me feel a little better. I just don't understand why it's funny that I'm in a grumpy mood, or why on the way home I'm in tears. Granted I don't think anyone understood why, or realized it that I was crying perhaps. But I just don't get why it's funny when the pregnant chick is grumpy.
Valentine's Day Part One
My husband was lovely enough this morning to wake me up with a combination of eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses, and "my" kisses. I think yesterday we pretty much decided to wait and have our "Valentine's Day" this weekend sometime. Hopefully he won't be working. All I know is that he's trying to figure out how my valentines day present will fit into the baby's room with the furniture that is in there already. (I'm hoping that if he is considering getting me the glider rocker that I want, he'll realize I want to put it downstairs - not in the baby's room.) Either way my curiosity is KILLING ME. Anyone who knows me knows that you can't tell me your getting me something (or have gotten me something) and NOT tell me what it is! Chris' gift is more for the two of us to enjoy! :)
Why is it suddenly funny because I'm "grumpy"? Okay maybe this hormones speaking - but I woke up in a crappy mood. I did not want to get out of bed this morning, period. But I did. I went to my morning class and somehow managed to be entertained by my microbiology prof (who used toliet paper to demonstrate glycolysis - it was very involved and pretty funny). After which I came home to try and take a nap. I can't sleep during the day - but laying in bed for a couple hours tends to make me feel a little better. I just don't understand why it's funny that I'm in a grumpy mood, or why on the way home I'm in tears. Granted I don't think anyone understood why, or realized it that I was crying perhaps. But I just don't get why it's funny when the pregnant chick is grumpy.
Valentine's Day Part One
My husband was lovely enough this morning to wake me up with a combination of eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses, and "my" kisses. I think yesterday we pretty much decided to wait and have our "Valentine's Day" this weekend sometime. Hopefully he won't be working. All I know is that he's trying to figure out how my valentines day present will fit into the baby's room with the furniture that is in there already. (I'm hoping that if he is considering getting me the glider rocker that I want, he'll realize I want to put it downstairs - not in the baby's room.) Either way my curiosity is KILLING ME. Anyone who knows me knows that you can't tell me your getting me something (or have gotten me something) and NOT tell me what it is! Chris' gift is more for the two of us to enjoy! :)
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